too much thought

I sometimes have a problem with thinking...I do too much of it.

This becomes a problem at different times in the day. Sometimes it's when I'm watching TV with my friends and I can hear that they're talking, but because the TV is on, and I'm thinking about what I'm watching and then my mind goes off on tangents, sometimes I forget that I'm in a room with two other people and completely forget to respond. Other times it happens when I'm on the phone with people. I'll think I'm actually talking, but in reality I haven't said anything for a good 30 seconds and I'll hear a "hello?" and then snap out of it.

But tonight comes one of the worst parts of thinking too much...my thoughts invade my entire mind and it can't seem to rest. There are seriously so many thoughts going on in my head right now that I'm having to read and re-read this post multiple times to make sure it makes sense, although I can't promise that it actually will once I hit the 'publish post' button.

Tonight I can't stop thinking about him. I wonder if he feels bad about what happened, or if he feels like a failure. I wonder if he thinks he will ever find the right person, or if her really believes he let her slip away. Or I wonder if he doesn't think about it at all, that way he can't hurt as much and he can go on his way being the man-whore that he wanted to be.

My mom said to me tonight, "Em, it's OK to move forward, even though it's only been two weeks. Just promise me that you're not going to move backward, because I can't bare to see you do that again."

I am so broken from this relationship. I am honestly doing everything I can at every moment to not fall apart. I am so glad to have friends and family who know how to make me laugh, and I am so blessed to have a God who is always there no matter how much I've pushed Him away in the past. I know that there is a plan laid out for me, and I know that that plan doesn't involve what my past has included.

I know I seem really depressed right now, but I'm not, I'm grieving the loss of something that was an everyday thing in my life for almost 2 years. I'm getting through all this day-by-day, I am so thankful to be starting a nursing job right now because if I wasn't doing something so time consuming I'd drive myself crazy with all these thoughts going on in my head. On a lighter note, I start full-time on Monday, which I am crazy excited for. It's going to be great.

Sincerely, me